Toby had been slacking off the last couple of weeks. He was staying out late, sleeping in extra late, and not showing up. It was hard for an eighteen-year old boy, with all the distractions around him, to dedicate his every wakening moment to one sole purpose. The only way to attain a goal, is absolute single minded desire. Push until it hurts, and then start pushing.
He was blaming everyone but himself for his poor performance. Sara mixed the drinks too stiff, Tom didn’t wake him on time. He was harder to live with than Jilly. He rarely rode to the Basin with her anymore. If he made it there by noon, he was lucky, he missed more days than he skied. It turned out that his biggest down fall was his lack of ambition. Hard work was not his strong suit. Putting everything off until tomorrow, he didn’t realize that tomorrow never come until it is too late. The only think that every skier on the circuit knows is that the season ends too soon. You have to love each moment as if it was your last moment, and spend it as if you were wealthy beyond belief. If you don’t its over, and your left with nothing except wasted time and pockets full of empty dreams. Toby had always had the best equipment and training available through NASTAR Racing, his parents had made sure of that and supported him all the way. They spoiled him as parents do, but they never realized the effect it would have on him now. Accustomed to getting it all, he didn’t know how to give, never having had to learn. He had no idea what the game was like, and it was all coming due. Having to play it all by himself for the first time, he was lost.
“I don’t believe you, Toby, you’re a real jerk,” Tom said pointing his finger in his face. “You have got more than 99% of the people on this planet have, and your drinking it all away.”
Toby just rolled his eyes, and took another long swig.
“You’re so blind drunk that you don’t even know that you’re hurting yourself. I would love to see you go all the way, but if you don’t care, why should I. I don’t know why I’m saying this. Just forget it.”
Tom grabbed his glass to take another drink, but he put it down and pushed it away. He looked around the room at all the intoxicated people having a drunken time. In disgust, he shook his head. He had been drinking since he was fifteen, and never thought about it until now. Looking back at his friend, he saw him throwing his life away in the name of harmless fun. The reasons he had, didn’t matter. It was his inability to realize the situation and deal with it that was the cause of his trouble.
“Sara get my friend here another drink. In fact get him two, I think he needs them.”
“Take it easy Tom.”
“Yesh come on Tom, give ush ,” Toby slurred.
Tom had given up hope.
“I think you have had enough Toby,” Sara said taking away his glass.
“Hey come on,” Toby yelled. He spilled Tom’s drink grabbing for his.
Tom and Sara looked at each other. They didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t even spell his own name. You can’t argue with someone who is not present.
“Call a cab Sara. I’ll take this mess home. Come on Tobe let’s get some fresh air.”
Helping Toby up from his chair, he ushered him out the door. He sat him down on the front step and leaned him up against the railing. Tom stood and watched his friend slumped over and barely conscious. He wanted to do something, but nothing had worked. Toby was just getting worse.
The cab pulled up and Tom lifted Toby into the back seat. As they were driving away, he remembered similar nights like this with David. He was the same back in high school. They would drink until they passed out. He had no control over it, and no desire to stop it. If it hadn’t been for his girlfriend Michelle, he wouldn’t have made it. The love of a beautiful woman can be a strong lifelong influence on a man’s character. Toby needed something to beak him free of his self-destructive path. Unless things changed very soon, it would be only a matter of time before there was nothing anyone could do.
The next morning Tom left Toby once again snoring away in his bed. He rode up to the Basin with Jilly. There were a few minor repairs that were needed for some time. Joe came up behind him with someone he didn’t recognize as he was finishing replacing a door lock.
“Tom, this is John Weston. Toby’s NASTAR coach from Steamboat.”
He looked closely at the short solidly built man.
“I’m glad to meet you,” he said shaking his hand firmly. He was surprised to see him. After writing a letter to him about Toby’s problem, he had expected to hear some advice, he hadn’t expected him to come in person.
“Toby’s not here?” His voice was strong and demanding.
“You two have a lot to talk about. I’ll go see if I can round him up.”
“You tell him I’ll kick his butt if he’s not here in exactly one hour. Tell him one hour Joe,” Coach demanded.
Joe started out hoping Toby wasn’t going a problem to convince.
Tom and Coach Weston sat down to catch up on all that was going on in Toby’s life.
“It’s good to see that Toby’s found such a good friend. Most skiers on the circuit couldn’t care less about such a deep personal problem. They’d be glad something gave them and edge.”
“Toby means a lot to me.”
“I could tell from your letter. It’s why I’m here. What the hell happened?”
“To tell you the truth, I don’t know. He was doing great, good ski times, focused. Right up until Christmas, then he just fell apart.”
Coach sat there with his elbows on the table, and his hands under his chin. He was looking off in the distance.
“Christmas? Just before Christmas?” Coach inquired.
“Yeah. There was a party a couple of day’s before, that’s why I remember. He was wasted then and has been ever since!”
“That has got to be it,” Coach looked at Tom.
“What? What’s got to be it?”
“Three years ago Toby lost his brother in an avalanche two days before Christmas. He was devastated.”
Tom sat back, his mouth open wide in disbelief. He listened intently to the story.
“They were at Alta, Utah. They were skiing a long the High Traverse. If you have ever been there, you know just how treacherous it really is. They were heading across to ski Eagle’s Nest. Toby’s a very strong skier. His brother was good, but not as god as him. Anyway, as near as anyone can tell, Toby was clowning around. His brother dropped into Eagle’s Nest, Toby followed. He was going to ski down and knock his brother over. There was 18 inches of new powder the night before. It had fallen on sun baked hard back and was loose and unstable. It fractured, created a large slab slide. It took his brother out. He didn’t ski for along time after. We all thought he had gotten past it.. They were as close as brother’s can be. Apparently we were wrong.”
“He never told me,” Tom said.
“Toby doesn’t talk about it with any one. He blocked it out like it never happened and threw himself in to downhill racing. When he came back, he was better than he had ever been. Extremely focused and dedicated. He may have taken a few more risks than I approved of.”
Coach worked with bodies not minds. This went deeper than just winning races and training skiers to go fast, safely.
“It all makes sense now, a few weeks before Toby started getting crazy, we warned a skier off the out of bounds ropes. The next morning we found him, caught in a slide. He had never made it out. Toby saw him from on the hill. His legs were broken, and he had crawled to several yards from the road. His arm was outstretched and he was frozen in an attempt to signal a passing car.
“That’s what brought it all on again.” Coach agreed. “He never really dealt with it in the first place.”
“He must have seen his brother lying there when they carried him off.”
“Hi Coach!” Toby yelled walking out of the lodge. He jogged to the table. The two men stared at each other blankly. He acted as if nothing was wrong. It seemed there was a wall around him and nobody new what was inside. Coach hadn’t said a word, when Tom stood, up all of a sudden, knocking over his chair.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me you had a brother?”
Toby glared at coach, then back at Tom
“What’s the difference? It happened a long time ago. He’s gone, there’s nothing you or anybody can do.”
“I’m your friend for Christ’s sake. I want to help you. Don’t you know that by now!”
“HE’S GONE TOM! You can’t change that.”
“I’m not talking about him, it’s you. You can’t tell me you didn’t see his face lying out in the snow that day.”
Toby closed his eyes tightly attempting to ward off the vision. The memories were painful. He didn’t deal with it then, and he didn’t want to deal with now. Tom walked over and took him by the shoulders.
“Look at me Toby,” Tom’s voice echoed through the Lodge. “I know you loved your brother. No one can ever change that or take it away from you. He’s gone and nothing can undo that. You can’t let him down by throwing away your life also.”
Toby was starting to fight back against Tom’s grip, but he held firmly. If he didn’t keep up the pressure no one would.
“He didn’t throw his life away and I’m not either, back off Tom. It’s none of your business.”
Toby was beginning to loose it. Tom didn’t want to fight, but he felt he had to draw his emotions out. He began grabbing for Tom attempting to knock him away. All the years of sorrow and anger came out in that moment. His feelings were rushing up in a blur and they were directed at Tom. They wrestled each other to the floor, pushing tables and chairs around. Tom could barely dodge some of his blows. Whenever Toby broke free of Tom’s grip, he started swinging, Tom had to lunge at his midsection to protect himself.
Joe stepped forward to stop it when Coach motioned to him to let it go. When they finally had spent every ounce of energy, they stopped, pushed each other back and fell to the floor breathing heavily. Joe and Coach lifted them up and into a couple of chairs. They took a few minutes to regain their strength as the moment sunk in. Toby looked over at Tom and realized what he had done.
“You’ve got a lot of guts for and old ski bum,” he said, cracking a faint smile.
“I was just getting started,” Tom replied rubbing his shoulder.
“I’d like a few more rounds with you someday,” Toby said.
“Anytime,” Tom replied, lying through his teeth.
“Coach?” he said standing up. “How about a few more runs? I’ve got a lot of work to do, I need the advice.”
“Let’s go,” he said,” Times a wastin.”
He gave a nod to Tom as they turned to begin the next phase of Toby’s training.
Joe sat down next to Tom who was still trying to catch his breath.
“I thought I’d seen it all.”
“I was lucky.”
“You were great,” he looked at Tom, his arms folded, he was wincing from the thrashing he had just received. He knew Tom was special, but this young man really cared for the people and things he believed in. If he had a son, he would have liked him to be like Tom. The life that could have been he thought, in a past that was all too quickly coming to an end.
Om Namah Bhagavate Vasudevaya, Krishna Das, Breath of Heart
