Sara sat nervously tapping her nails on the end table. She was confused. Tom had called and told her he’d be a little late tonight. It had given her a chance to work out a few last minute questions she had about her relationship.
“I could easily see spending the rest of my life with him,” she said to herself. “He’s everything I’ve always wanted in a man. If he could just learn to settle down, how can I love someone who might be here one minute and climbing and skiing the French Alps the next?”
Reaching up, she pulled a few strands of her hair, noticing some split ends that would have to be trimmed. Crossing her legs, she shifted her weight on the couch and glanced at the clock. He’s not the kind that likes demands made on him. She knew that but she just had to voice them. She wasn’t getting any younger and wanted desperately to know where her life was going to go.
A family had always been her only dream. Two, maybe three children, and a nine to five husband, picnics on weekends, It really wasn’t too much to ask. Maybe Tom wants that also, maybe he just was never in love enough before to commit himself. They had many intimate late night talks about their feelings for each other, and had discussed their past failures. They understood each other’s desires and needs. Their basic personalities were perfect. Not once had a conflict arisen that wasn’t resolved equitably between them. Their love making was more than she had ever hoped for. He was a lover that was gentle, a man, but still her little boy. She could be herself holding nothing back, not hiding even the smallest fantasy from him. The night she cried in his arms, she knew she loved him. Sara needed all of him.
“Sara,” she heard him call as he tapped lightly on her door. She went to the door and opened it.
“Hi baby,” he smiled, “Sorry I’m late.”
“Hi, “ she walked to Tom and gave him a hug.
We had a big meeting at the Basin. Joe sold the mountain and he finally broke the news to everyone.,” he sighed looking deeply in her eyes.
“No!,” Sara stepped back., the smile disappearing from her face.
“Can you believe it? Everything he has worked so hard for is gone. Shuffled across someone’s desk like it was no more than the paper it was printed on.”
Sara could feel Tom’s bitter disappointment, and she tightly held him in her arms.
“I feel just like I did when my parents got divorced. The finality of family, separating, the same pain and utter disappointment.”
“Everyone was family up there,” she knew all of them and how very close they were.
“The thing that’s tough on me is how casual Joe is about it. He’s just letting it go. Everyone feels betrayed.”
“Well, he’s naturally the one you are going to blame. I think that when the news settles in, you’ll realize he’s the same man as before. Think of how much he loves the mountain. He gave you the gift of it. I feel it in your heart.”
“Yeah, I guess you're right. It’s just awfully hard,” he leaned over and gave her a small affectionate kiss. “Thanks babe.”
“For what?”
“Just for being there.”
They were deeply in love. When they were together, there was no one else around, no Basin, no problems. No problems except for the one that Sara knew she had to raise tonight. They had reservations at their favorite restaurant tonight, the “Old Dillon Inn.” Tacos, Enchiladas, Tortillas and Dos Equis beer were the house specialties. Tom was not a big eater, but when he did, it was in his style. He loved to cook when he had the time. Sara was overjoyed when he surprised her with a five- course dinner. It had been complete with candles and wine for their first date.
The conversation was light as they made their way across the small town. Tom was driving Sara’s vintage 69 Volkswagen Beetle. He was thinking about Joe’s empty future and felt the same for himself. Sara was seeing a future full of Tom and all her dreams. She was hoping it was true. They pulled into the parking lot to find it was full.
“Look at this place,” Tyler inched the bug in. “I wouldn’t mind owning a place like this myself.”
“We could make a fortune,” Sara attempted to spur the conversation on.
“We’d need a lot of capital up front,” Tom reached for her hand. They walked toward the front door.
“I’ve got some money saved,” she offered, “maybe we could find some investors. What about Joe? He’ll have a lot after the Basin is gone.”
Tom fell silent. Sara knew she had said the wrong thing. She immediately changed the subject.
‘You could run the kitchen. I’ll handle the bar. Maybe we'll find a place for Jilly.”
“They laughed as Tom opened the door for her. The restaurant was full, he gave their names to the hostess and they made their way to the bar.
“At least twenty minutes,” Tom said as he handed Sara a Molson Gold.
“That’s perfect, the anticipation will raise our pleasure even more.” She gave him a wink knowing he had caught her analogy.
“Tom would you marry me?” she suddenly said, half hoping he would take her seriously.
He was silent for a moment.
“You’re supposed to get down on your knees when you ask that question.”
She was beginning to enjoy the game so she went on.
“Please, I love you. We could buy a house and make lots of babies,” she smiled hopefully.
“And live happily ever after,” he added, not sure that she was kidding anymore.
“ You’re serious aren’t you?”
When she didn’t reply and looked away he knew she was.
“Sara,” he said, shaking his head, “Look at me.”
She looked into his eyes.
“I have nothing to give you. All I own are my mountain memories and the clothes in my backpack, that’s no way to start a life.”
Sara looked down at the floor feeling lost like she was the only one in the room.
“Don’t lose this one Sara Lyn,” a voice in her head said. “I really love you Tom, anybody else would be second best. I’m not asking for the world Tom, just you.”
He looked over at the bottles lined up behind the bar searching for an answer. This was all so sudden but he knew it was right. Never having felt this way about anyone, but marriage, children, a house in the country, those things were not in his plan.
“I’m just not ready Sara,” he said finally, “you don’t know how hard this is.”
“I do know how hard this is. Now you look at me, Tom Dillon!“ she snapped with real determination in her voice. “I know you Tom. I know the kind of man you are. No past, no future, just the here and now. That’s fine if it’s what you want out of life. I’m involved and I love you deeply, but I cannot live your life. I’m offering a life with you because I know it’s right. You do also. I can’t live my life not knowing what will be.”
He felt helpless and reached to take her hand. She pulled away looking around at the other couples having their conversations, wondering if any of them felt as miserable as she did.
“I’m sorry baby,” he looked at her. He was looking for a sign that she might be softening. She was distant and he felt like he didn’t even know her.
“Dillon, table for two, Dillon,” the voice over the intercom cracked.
“I’m not very hungry Tom. I have to go.”
She finished her beer and slid it across the bar.
“I need my keys,” she held out her hand.
He gave them to her and she turned without a word. He watched her as she made her way through the crowd and out the door. He gestured to the bartender for another beer. Tom felt old for the very first time in his life.
Bhajelo-ji Hanuman, Krishna Das Music, Greatest Hits of the Kali Yuga
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